Things I Would Rather Do Than Re-Watch “Secret Life of Pets”

I took Squish to see “The Secret Life of Pets” because I apparently I didn’t learn anything from the whole “Finding Dory” fiasco.

Ravenclaw says save your money. Watch a kitten with a laser pointer instead. She's a harsh critic.

Ravenclaw says save your money. Watch a kitten with a laser pointer instead. She’s a harsh critic.

Things I would rather do than re-watch “The Secret Life of Pets”

  • Scratch my poison ivy (actually, this one is kind of cheating because scratching poison ivy is awesome. At least for the first week).
  • Take a bubble bath with a cat.
  • Read Game of Thrones.
  • Pick my nose.
  • Pick a stranger’s nose.
  • Play Roulette blindfolded with five cups of lemonade and a cup of cat pee.
  • Watch full coverage of the Republican National Convention without a bathroom break. While drinking cat pee.
  • Redecorate my house in Early Hairball.
  • Write an entire blog post with Alpha-Bits cereal.
  • Watch colonoscopy videos in 4-D.
  • Live out the recurring nightmare of walking down the hallway of my high school naked.
  • Misuse punctuation.
  • Listen to “Achy Breaky Heart” scratched out by fingernails on a chalkboard.
  • Kiss a monkey.
  • Give up eating fresh cherries for the rest of my life.
  • Give up eating MoonPies for the rest of my life. Yeah, it was that bad.

 What is the worst movie you have seen this year?

25 thoughts on “Things I Would Rather Do Than Re-Watch “Secret Life of Pets”

  1. Wait, I liked this one! The boy and I laughed out loud (admittedly at different places) multiple times. That the “bad guy” rabbit seemed a caricature of an African American gang member was a big misstep, and the lack of definitive resolution of Duke’s previous owner left a hole … but we both enjoyed it.

    • I’m so glad someone liked it! There were about 4 places where the audience laughed. Squish liked it, but I enjoyed Zootopia WAY better. I think they rushed this one.

      They spilled the beans too early by showing the best part in their trailer. I thought the writing was sloppy and the timing was off. And of course snakes are the bad guys. They had some good messages, but they got buried.

      • I didn’t see the trailer! So that probably helped. Also we’d had a tough week, and desperately needed to unwind. I haven’t yet seen Zootopia! A friend took him to that one while I did something like taxes or equally horrible.

        • The trailer reminded me of Home Alone – all the good bits were there. I usually don’t watch trailers because I HATE spoilers, but I saw it in the theater.

          And don’t feel like you have to be apologetic for liking what you like. That’s why there’s chocolate AND vanilla.

  2. Marvelous review. I thought this movie might be a good one, but if you’re willing to give up eating fresh cherries AND MoonPies for the rest of your life, then I know I need to avoid the movie. Thanks for saving me from it.

  3. I had no interest in seeing this, and now I REALLY don’t! (I had a discussion at work today about it and was told “it looks CUTE, though!” and was the only one who thought it did NOT look cute, even a little.)

    • I thought it looked cute, and I had high hopes because I LOVED Zootopia – so smart and funny and clever, great writing. This one fell flat for a number of reasons that I will cover in a different post.

  4. I am very uninformed about new movies. In the beginning I thought you were going to talk about a documentary film about pets. I’ve seen a couple of those and really enjoyed them. Oh well,my excuse is no kids and no grandkids.

    • The last movie I went to see (I can’t even remember what it was now) had a preview for this movie, otherwise I would have missed it. There has been extreme merchandising associated with this movie, too. I went to PetSmart to get Ravenclaw a kitten harness, and they have a whole series of pet care supplies.

  5. Your list made me giggle out loud. I wish I’d complied it myself in response to my own personal versions of hell. “While drinking cat pee” and “misusing punctuation” are classic. Thanks for the smile, though I’m sorry you found reason to have to write it.

  6. Couldn’t agree with you more re Zootopia (loved!!) and Pets. The best parts of Pets were in the trailers. The story was extremely weak only enough to plug in the funny bits. But not enough to hold the laughter or good will. What really killed it for me — about half way through it was like they flipped a switch and it became a cartoon version of an adult action movie – chase, crash, smash, maul …

    Zootopia – funny, witty, engaging, thoughtful …

    Sir Hiss needs his own movie. Disney should do a sequel to Robin Hood and have Sir Hiss give up his evil ways!

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