Who Needs Coffee When You Can Sun Your Bum?

I hate waking up. Once I get my feet on the floor for good, I’m fine. It’s just getting to that point that is a challenge. I can “just one more snooze” myself all the way to noon if I think I can get by with it. Even with coffee, by midmorning, I am made of yawn. That’s all about to change, though, thanks to Metaphysical Meagan.

I am going to have to odd, because I just… can’t… even.

I did not include the photo of Miss Meagan’s daily routine because this is a family show. But (butt?) it’s on the great, wide web. You can look it up.

To summarize, Metaphysical Moron Meagan has been studying the Tao of the derriere, or something like that. And she swears by her tried and true technique to improve life. Did you know that 30 seconds of direct sunlight on your howdy-doody is like a whole DAY of sunlight with your clothes on? And the reason Meagan knows this is because 30 seconds is probably all she gets before the neighbors call the cops again. They are so unenlightened!

Meagan attracts people who are “on the same frequency and wavelength” as her by tanning the ole tushy, too. After you brown your downtown six times, you qualify for a free “I Tan My Taint, Doo You?” t-shirt, available in six shades of brown. Pick yours up at Big Wally’s Yurt down on the corner. It’s so great to meet other like-arsed people, you know?

Still not convinced? Meagan promises “surges of energy!” And I’m totally sure it’s, like, metaphysical energy, and not, like, a sunburn on your stink hole. But either way, it’ll wake you up. And it “connects you to the earth!” Slap them glutes down on the asphalt and see what I’m sayin’!

You can “attract your desires and intentions, too.” As long as your intention is to attract flying insects and the occasional looky-loo. It also “prevents leakage of your chi.” We wouldn’t want that leaking out of your backside, now would we?

Bronzing your badonkadonk is an “ancient Toaist practice that has been around for a while,” unlike other ancient practices that are very recent. You can totally trust it. She learned all about it from a guy who cleans himself with dirt and advocates increasing your body’s voltage. Now that I think on it, he might actually be an eel. Shine on, friend.

Is the only sunny spot your driveway? No problem. Don’t worry about the neighbors. When they catch you shooting a moon, you can explain you’re really just catching the sun! Invite them to join you! You’ll be the toast of the HOA.

Now, remember to start small. Meagan says “the goal is NOT to tan your butthole.” Yeah, Meagan, that’s your goal. Gotta get that bunghole summer ready, amirite? What’s a little skin cancer of the keister among friends?

So what are you waiting for, friends? Put your tooter in the air like you just don’t care! I reserved us a spot at the park!

Satisfaction not guaranteed.