It’s the second day of the New Year, and I am pretty sure the universe is trying to kill me. I made myself some goals, and goals are a good thing. One of my unwritten resolutions is to be a more positive person in 2018. I am quite determined. And I am pretty sure I heard the universe say “Hold my beer and watch this!”
I went in to work yesterday. I know. New Year’s Day and all, but I work in a zoo. Al’s gotta eat. And it’s not like I party all night. Nah, I was in bed by 9, asleep by 10. If I want to see the ball drop, I can catch it on Youtube. How can I not go in and see this face?
I say I went in to work. More correctly, I TRIED to go in to work. On the way there:
- my car started to overheat
- I realized a coolant hose was leaning, so I pulled over to the shoulder of the interstate.
- I did more swearing that I meant to as I watched cars swerve over the line and nearly hit me, even though traffic was to merge into THE OTHER LANE.
- I figured out I had coolant in the car, so I added some, but…
- the battery had died due to the severe cold (11F plus windchill)
- I was wearing shorts.
It took about a half hour before husband could come and retrieve my frozen behind and haul me the rest of the way in It took an hour for my feet to feel like feet again. My day went fine at work. I got some things done, so yay. But I was positive! Go, me! Instead of thinking that 2018 sucks already, quitting my job, and ordering more cats off the internet, I thought “Maybe 2018 is my year of solving problems, of growing stronger and more confident in my abilities.
Then I came home. And I broke my toe. I didn’t get it x-rayed because there’s nothing to be done with tiny pinky toes except to tape them to their next-door neighbor, but it is purple and blue, and if you touch it, I might accidentally punch you. But it’s just a toe, right? A little tape and bottle of Ibuprofen, and all better. Little toe, littler problem.
I wish I had a good story, like I was fighting ninjas, or practicing mixed martial arts, or I kicked a wall in a rage. But no. I dropped a remote control on it. Our first real TV in, like, 9 years. See? I have been saying all along that television is harmful. Believe it. TV will break your bones. So anyhow. Toe is taped. It’s something to laugh about.
And then we come to this morning.
- Outside spigot A was frozen because someone didn’t leave it running. I won’t say who that was for the sake of marital harmony, but it wasn’t me.
- Outside spigot B was also frozen. Spousal unit unfroze.
- Spousal unit let car warm up so he could take me to work.
- Car ran out of gas. Cars without gas do not take you to work. They sit there and wait to be kicked with my good foot.
- Spigot A refroze, and the only thing I had with which to unfreeze it was. my. coffee.
- In the unfreezing process, spigot A sprayed me up and down.
- My pants froze to my legs
For my safety, I gave up, came inside, put on my pajama pants. I am hiding now. 2018 is coming for me. Don’t tell it where I am.
*My family motto is “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”