As the paragon of diet and exercise, I was recently interviewed regarding my astonishing success in keeping my New Year’s resolutions. The interviewer was sharp and witty, a hard-hitting journalist. You know. Me. And here, dear friends, is most important interview you will ever read. In the next fifteen minutes.
What steps have you taken to meet your exercise goals?
I recently brought home
an instrument of torture elliptical machine. The good news is that I have actually used the stupid thing every day.
So what’s the bad news?
The bad news is that the resistance is stuck on “Summitting Everest.” Using it for longer than five minutes makes me want to curl up and die.
Five minutes? Seriously?
No, actually. Thank you for asking, although I wish you wouldn’t use that tone. TWO minutes makes me wish I was dead. Five is the longest I have been able to power through without the heart rate monitor calling an ambulance. Or a coroner.
How do you stay motivated?
For every 100 reps I do on the elliptical, I get a Snickers bar blizzard from Dairy Queen. You’d think it would get old, but it doesn’t.
Have you lost any weight?
I’m sorry. I don’ t understand the question. And it really hurts my feelings when you make pig noises.
Are you making the improvements to your diet that you had hoped?
I’m doing pretty well with this one. I have cut out most of the sugar in my diet. I still have it in my coffee each morning. And evening. And afternoon. I have even eliminated sugar from my morning Cheerios by adding raisins. And chocolate milk. My taste buds will eventually become accustomed to the reduced sweetness over time, I am sure. Did you just gag?
Can’t you just use an artificial sweetener?
I don’t think so. Eating artificial sweeteners leaves me wishing I could lick a brick wall to get the taste out of my mouth.
How is work on your book coming? Can we expect some big announcements soon?
I finished reading a book. And it was amazing. It took me a couple of weeks to go cover-to-cover, but it was well worth the effort. I cried a little, I laughed a lot. That Curious George is one funny monkey.
Aren’t you supposed to be WRITING a book?
There is no need to roll your eyes. Progress on my own work has stalled a bit.
Any particular reason, or are you just kind of lazy?
Of course, there is a reason:
Isn’t it a little cliche to blame the toddler for your lack of productivity?
Hi, there. Have you ever actually read the title of my blog? Judging from the expression on your face, I’d say no, which is a little weird, since you’re me, but whatever. Blaming the toddler may be cliche, but it’s also true. In hour and a half that I have been finishing my blog post, we have made four trips to the potty, colored two pictures, played “Mommy, watch this!” 437 times moved the living room furniture to retrieve lost trains twice, read three books, and prepared two snacks. And don’t get me started on the “Why?” game.
Fair enough. Any plans to get yourself back on track in the near future?
I have heard that computers and cable are leading kids to grow up much faster than they used to, so I’m signing Squish up for Netflix. A few weeks of Jersey Shore, and he should be ready to move out, or at least get a job, and then I’ll have more time to work.
Wait. Where did you get a cell phone? I didn’t know you had that. I thought we hated cell phones. Why are you calling Social Services? And why do you have them on speed dial?