Dear Telemarketer

Call me?

Call me?

Hi, there!

It has been so great talking to you. Four times. In the two days. I am sorry I haven’t been able to chat when you called. I was getting ready to take my son to school/eat dinner/use the toilet/go to bed at those times. But please do call again!

I definitely can’t wait to hear the list of services that you can bundle to save us money. And it’s obvious that you have done your research on my family. I bet your offer on cable really would be a bargain for us. If we had cable in the first place. Or call waiting. Or long distance.

We’re not phone people, but you probably already know that since you have our billing history for the last 10 years. We don’t need the call waiting because we don’t enjoy talking on the phone to even one person at a time, much less two. And we had long-distance disconnected because we never used it. We do have people that we love who live outside of our calling range. And they might like to hear from us more often. But we do email. And send happy thoughts into the ethos at least twice a day. And we have a calling card that we use on birthdays and anniversaries.

Phone conversations are not fun for us. You see, we have three children, and it is a given fact that kids have a Pavlovian response to telephones. The phone rings, and they turn into actual dogs. Giant attention-hounds. The house can be dead silent, the kids quietly occupied in their rooms. When the phone rings, all heck breaks loose. Daughter needs emergency help with her algebra, middle son commences a frantic pantomime to indicate he either desperately needs to go to the bathroom or the snake is loose in his room, and Squish feels the need to climb into the cabinet and sort out the vitamins. No thank you.

I know when you look at our bill, you think we’re seeing another phone company on the side. Trust me. We are not. Most days, I’m not even sure why I have a phone in the first place. The only one who has called in the last week is you. Yours was the single adult voice I heard during the day. The solitary tidbit of grown-up conversation. Please call me back! Soon! I’ll be waiting!