Take That, Pinterest!

You may remember that I’m not on Pinterest. I have my reasons, and the rest of civilized society has theirs for not wanting me there. I’m about to give you another one.

Recently, I flew the friendly skies. “Friendly” is a bit of a stretch; more like a-little-TOO-friendly-and-with-very-poor-personal-boundaries skies. Other than a quick pat-down and an agent freak-out over the rice sock I brought to soothe my sore knee, my travels were uneventful. I even managed to fit a souvenir for the kids into my carry-on.

Imagine their delight when they were each presented with their very own airsickness bag. The Padawan was so overcome with emotion that he had to leave the room. Or maybe he went to play the Wii. He was gone for a long time. I’m pretty sure it was emotion, though.

Motion discomfort bags (or as Squish calls them, “barf bags”) are the perfect gift for any child, prompting hours of dramatic play. Squish walked around all afternoon pretending to throw up in his. Think of how well-prepared he will be for a life of travel, and as an added bonus, when he moves to the top bunk, I can just hand him a bag and he’ll already have his aim down pat. Or he could learn to pack his own lunch. Barf bags are waxed on the inside to prevent spillage. So many possibilities in one small bag.

Our favorite use, though, is for craft time. There’s something for everyone. Look what one small motion-discomfort bag can do for you and your family.  Click to embiggenate.

How do you put a price on creativity?

Airline ticket: $400

Barf bag: free

Quality time with family: $400 + $100 food costs + $20 gas to airport + $36 long-term parking

To the Creators of Bible School Curriculum

Dear friends,

While I have always enjoyed Bible school, there’s always a little room for improvement. There are several different curriculum that my church has purchased over the years, and there are a couple of areas that seem kind of consistent. Here are a few key points where we’re not quite on the same page yet. Come and join me in my world.

Location, location, location! I do enjoy a nice little dance move with  my Bible school songs, but it’s important to keep in mind that many older sanctuaries still use pews. Add a few fast and unexpected toe-touch moves, and it’s likely that one or more leaders will render themselves unconscious when they smack their head on the pew in front of them.

Keep it real, bro. As in, realistic. Preschool games should involve neither rules nor children touching one another. At any time. Ever. Especially at high speeds. Two or three black eyes during a game of freeze tag might be a bit of a downer. Maybe we could play Pass the Ice Pack or Bandage Your Buddy afterward.

Only vampires should sparkle. No craft ever, under any circumstances should require glitter, sand, confetti or red acrylic paint. The church who buys your curriculum will not love you. There is a special place in hell for those who plan glitter crafts. I picture it as a carpeted football field covered and glitter. You’ll be armed with nothing but a whisk broom and a broken dustpan. Good luck with that. The next group will be here in five minutes. Also ill-advised? Anything involving hammers or sewing needles.

The Barefoot Contessa we are not. The snack section of the curriculum should not contain actual recipes. I don’t care if it’s an island theme. No one is getting smoothies. Like, ever. Although the workers may enjoy a nice margarita when it’s all over. If it can’t be purchased at Wal-mart in a stay-fresh pack, it’s not going to happen. Construction theme? Cool, but while the grey Rice Krispy treats do look like boulders, that doesn’t make them appetizing.

Gifts that keep on giving.  Injuries and such. It’s awesome to have something nifty to give the kids at the end of the day, but use the old noggin. A colored pencil that changes colors as you sharpen it? Awesome! But sharpening them before you ship them to us? Are you kidding? Goodbye, hymnals, pew Bibles, thy neighbor’s eye. Hello, emergency room and lawsuit.


Thank you for your time, friends.

Listen to Squish. Freeze tag bad. Duck Duck Goose bad. No touchy.

Because I’m Holding Out Hope

I will begin with an apology. Those of you who are disappointed at the lack of a real winter can blame me.  It’s my fault. I realized this evening that my daughter and I had not yet made this year’s rice socks. Winter has been holding back on us because Mother Nature knew we weren’t ready. Well, we’re ready now. So bring it. Bring. It.

If you’re doing a snow dance, also, you must make a rice sock, too. They’re just the thing to keep you toasty when the white stuff starts to fall. I apologize for the quality of the photos. My camera is misbehaving.

Here’s what you need:

White No-nutritional-value Rice  (about 1.5lb per sock)                                                                                                                                                            Sharpie                                                                                                                                                                                                         Lavender (optional)                                                                                                                                                Long sport sock  

You'll need this stuff. That's LAVENDER, thank you very much.

Step one is optional. If you decide to decorate the sock, however, it’s kind of important to use a Sharpie or some other permanent marker. Rice holds moisture, so using a washable marker means your design will come off. Usually on you.

Do yourself a solid. DON'T use washable markers. Don't ask how I know.

Step two is not optional. I like giving people choices, but if you skip the rice, all you’re left with is a sock. With a drawing on it. If it’s a sock puppet you’re after, that class is down the hall to the left.

If you just happen to have a hearing enhancer laying around after your over-the-hill birthday party, it makes a great funnel!

Step three is optional, as well. We like to add lavender because it adds such a sweet aroma. We buy ours at a local shop that sells herbs and spices in bulk. I think it cost $2 for the quarter ounce we used. We may grow some ourselves this spring.


The whole house smells like spring. I think. I'm still sick.

Now just tie off the end.

I can't tell if it's out of focus or if its markings have stretched.

And stick it in the microwave. For a sock this size, 90 seconds-2 minutes is a good range to start with, depending on the microwave. Remove carefully by the tied end. These things really do get hot and can burn your fingies.

Yes. That's a scorch mark on my microwave. It's what happens when you nuke something with the foil still on it. One of these days, my whole entire family will know that.

These little beauties hold heat for a surprisingly long time, and since it is moist heat, they’re great for soothing sore muscles. Now you’re ready for cold weather, too! Someone make the popcorn and pass me some hot chocolate!

***Becoming Cliche is not responsible for burns, scalds, lack of common sense, or bad artwork.