Nobody’s Perfect

Mocha cupcake. Hands off.

I don’t know why it came as such a surprise to them. It wasn’t new information. I know they haven’t been laboring under the illusion the Mom-is-a-saint illusion. That ship sailed long ago. So when that package of sweets arrived unexpectedly in our mailbox, why did it rock my kids’ world to be reminded of a great truth? Mom doesn’t share.

There, I said it. I don’t share. I never have. Okay, I do share sometimes, but apparently letting them share my body for nine months was soon forgotten. But I don’t share food. Not the good stuff.

Don’t look at me like that. I feed them. Daily. Several times. But when I am presented with a tasty morsel, some treat of which there is limited quantity, I go Cro-Magnon. I hide my kill and come back for it later. Bears don’t share, so why should I?

I don’t know why they thought this package was different. Before management jacked the price up 60%, I routinely bought a vegan brownie at Whole Foods once a week. I savored that tidbit all week long, dividing it into four pieces and treating myself at the end of a long day. The kids would tease me about it, pretending they were going to eat it themselves, but it was all in good fun. They never expected to have any of it for real. And they leave my chocolate cereal alone. It’s my new “brownie-isn’t-worth-the-money-but-I-need-something-sweet” treat. They leave that alone. Only if I have been a slacker and allowed us to run out of regular cereal do they expect to receive a bowlful. It’s my penance.

So why do they seem to think that these delightful little candies are up for grabs? Is it because they are Cadbury? Because they are individually wrapped? Because they are from England? Or is it just because they are mine? And they are. Mine! Mine! Mine!

Upon seeing the contents of the package, daughter threw puppy-dog eyes, middle son hugged me, and Squish, in his Pavlovian response to receiving treats for his dirty business, ran to the bathroom to poop. That’s nice, ya’ll but no. No. No. No. Mine.

I put the treats in a high cabinet as soon as I brought them in the house. Out of sight, but definitely not out of mind. My son said “You might want a surveillance camera just to keep an eye on them.” Does he really think they are staying there? I may be absent-minded, but I am not stupid. I put them in that cabinet to throw them off the trail. I have a series of secret places, and I will simply move my goodies from spot to spot until I have finished them. My dark chocolate and raspberry candies lived in my sock drawer. My brownie lived in the kids’ Halloween buckets. Ironically, they never look there. I have been known to tuck treats in an empty Tampax box, guaranteeing no male in the household will touch it. It’s like hiding Superman’s cookies in a kryptonite cabinet.

So where to put these little morsels? Yeah, right. Like I’m telling. I. Don’t. Share.


Did I Really Just Say That?

Yes, that's my son wearing that bra.

I often find myself surprised at what I say to my kids. And equally shocked that a situation requires such statements would pop up in the first place. Oh, the things they don’t tell us before we have kids! But would we believe it if they did? For example, I would never anticipated the frequency with which I must remind someone to put their pants back on. Taken out of context, about half of what I say could land us on Dr. Phil.

1) No, you may not have any carrots until you finish that cookie.

2) Hey, guys, whose poop is that?

3) We don’t lick the car bumper.

4) Don’t pee on the dog!

5) I’m sorry. You may not wear your underwear on your head today. We’re going to church.

6) You took those blankets out, now get in the cabinet. (a little disclaimer here.We store blankets in a cabinet. He likes to drag them out and play in there.)

7) That’s your booger. If you didn’t have a place to put it, you should have left it where it was.

and the follow-up

8 )  Don’t wipe your boogers on the dog.

9) Thank you, but I don’t want a bunny cracker up my nose.

10) Hands in your own pants, please.

11) (said to teacher) I’m sorry that my child told the class that her favorite animal is a wild ass. No, she wasn’t being funny.

12) Only one person in the dog’s crate at a time.

13) We don’t tell our teacher that the glitter baton looks like it’s full of sperm. I know you meant milt, but she did not. And by the way, no more Blue Planet for you.

14) Son, can you take off my bra? (second disclaimer. It’s not as bad as it sounds. He was the one wearing it.)

And the worst. The one I swore I would never say to any child, ever.

Because I SAID so. 

Am I the only one? What have you said to your kid/spouse/canary that totally took you by surprise?