Call of Duty: Black Friday Ops

Dear Amazon,

Thanks for being all warm and cozy and providing me with endless cups of coffee and a dog to pet while I do all of my Christmas shopping. Oh, wait. That’s right. That’s my living room. A month ago. So I didn’t have to stand in the freezing-cold dark waiting for some soulless big-box store to open. Bless your soulless little free-shipping heart! Not only do I avoid the cold and the crowds, but by shopping at home, I’ve got a less than 10% chance of being pepper-sprayed by some psycho. Yes, Phoebe’s got designs on my leftover turkey, but as she lacks both opposable thumbs and the intelligence to even pick my husband out of a lineup if he’s wearing a hat, the odds are still in my favor.

TURKEY! I will cut you for some turkey! Wait...do I know you? My apologies.

 

 

Happy Black Friday!

Love, Me

Notes From the Fashionista

Okay, that title might be a bit of a stretch. I have barely enough fashion sense to match my socks. But that doesn’t mean that I have nothing to teach you.

I have lost a bit of weight in recent months, and have finally achieved my goal of being snake-bait.  I’ve had to hit the stores recently in search of some awesome new jeans. I normally find trying on clothes to be depressing and demoralizing. But with my smaller form, I have to admit my hunts this weekend was kind of fun. Especially enjoyable was rejecting garments because they were too big. I could get used to that. Self-esteem at an all-time high, I did something really nuts. For the first time ever in my life, I tried on a pair of skinny jeans.

I love the idea of skinny jeans. I want a pair of pants that can make me look like I eat like a bird and work out religiously without having to actually do anything. Skinny jeans could be the answer to my vanity and lack of self-control. You better believe I tried them on!

They fit. I guess. Here’s the lesson I took away from it. Skinny jeans are designed to make skinny people look skinnier and the rest of us look like Easter eggs on stilts.

They were comfortable, no doubt. Stretchy denim that forms itself unobtrusively to my curves like a big hug. What’s not to like? Oh, yeah. That roll of flab that’s now hanging over my belt. Pretty. Yes, squeezing into tight pants can make our legs look twig-like, but they are low-rise, and those 10 displaced pounds have to go somewhere. They’re denim, not magic. And I hate say it, but wearing a large, untucked shirt with them is fooling no one.

It’s logical to assume that tight jeans would really highlight the curves. And in places they do. But there are limits to what mere cloth can do. I am very, very sorry to have to be the one to say it. In order for a caboose to look totally awesome in a pair of skinnies, it needs to have some muscle tone to start with.The fabric is fairly unforgiving. It clings to muscle, and squashes flab.

Skinny jeans are the sports-bra for the rear. Those who aren’t in good shape are asking for a bad case of uni-bum, that frightful condition where ample hips are squished so tightly into a pair of pants that they bag in the seat, giving the impression that their owners have no tushy at all. It is an epidemic in malls everywhere. You know it. You’ve seen it, the person in front of you whose legs appear to be attached directly to their torso. Uncool.

And what is the lesson here? Just this. Skinny jeans are for actual skinny people. No exceptions. Ever. Ever, ever. ‘Nuff  said.