The Navy Seals may carry out covert operations that overthrow evil ones, but I ate a Moon Pie in the presence of my toddler, and I didn’t get caught! Of the two, I am pretty sure my feat was more impressive. The following is a step-by-step guide for eating your treats without having to share.
1) Choose your snack carefully. There are a few questions to ask yourself.
How noisy is the wrapper? – If it’s Sun Chips you’re after, you might as well forget it. Unless your child is wearing industrial grade hearing protection, you’re going to have to wait on that snack until after they go to bed. Or leave for college. Choose a snack with a low to medium decibel level.
Is this snack portable? – you need a snack that can be held in one hand and will maintain is integrity in a pocket. Tiny pieces will be worn and not eaten, after all. Moon Pies are the perfect snack, in my most humble opinion.
Is it smelly? It does you no good to go to the effort to sneak a snack if your child can smell it from two blocks away. Again, Moon Pies pass the litmus test here.
Is it unusually crunchy? Remember, your aim is for minimal noise during consumption. Need I add that Moon Pies work well here? Because they do. So I will.
They work in almost every snacking situation. For real.
2) Distract. Send child on a particularly noisy mission, say brushing their teeth or leaf-blowing the lawn. While they are out of hearing range, quickly remove the wrapper. Speed is of the essence. Small children are psychic when it comes to forbidden treats.
3) Choose clothing with deep, loose pockets. As soon as the wrapper comes off, you will need to slide the snack into your left pocket***, and you want it to be well-disguised. Skinny jeans are not your friend here. Although if you’re wearing skinny jeans, sneaky snacking is probably not your thing, and I cannot be your friend, either. Sorry. Those are the breaks.
4) Location, location, location. Get in the car. Vehicles are where I have the greatest sneaky-snacking success. Make up a reason for a trip if you have to. And walk carefully, or heaven’s sake! Getting to the car quickly is useless if your snack is but a crumble when you get there. It helps to swing the snack-side leg wide as you walk. If your child asks you about it, tell them it’s a war-wound. Or that you have to poop.
5) Situate their carseat behind your own. If it’s not there currently, put it there! Unless your child is completely unobservant, they will see what you are doing. And there’s no need to go to these lengths if you’re planning to get busted.
6) After you have secured child in their seat, remove snack from pocket. This move will require some practice, but it is worth it. You will turn your back to your child. Remove the treat from your pocket as you turn back toward the car, using your body to shield the goody from sight. Open the car door with your right hand, get in the seat, and drop the goods between your knees. When the car is in motion, you will steer with your left hand and eat with your right.
7) Enjoy. As much as you can, knowing that your precious passenger would give you a big hug if only you’d share a tasty little bite. Fortunately, Moon Pies also come in snack size, perfect for sharing.
*** Author’s note: WordPress encourages us to be inclusive of international readers. If you drive on the left side of the road, use your right pocket.
Becoming Cliche 