Sometimes I think I might like to swap my life for something a little less exciting, like being a secret double-agent, but I’d probably just get bored.
I took Squish to the used bookstore last week. It’s a fabulous place. 5000 square feet of media. Books, CDs, movies. You name it, they probably have it, will have it, or had it yesterday. I could live there.
Anyway, Squish and I went last week. We peeked in the free bin first thing, and we found a large collection of model train magazines, circa 1986. I let my littlest engineer take one of them. He tucked it proudly under his arm, and we went inside.
After a few minutes of browsing the children’s books, I looked over at Squish. He was doing an unfortunate little dance. When it comes to toileting urgency, I operate on a scale from 1-5.
1 – number one.
2 – (what do you think two is?)
3 – one + two =3
4 – Elizabeth, this is the big one!
5 – Better use someone else’s bathroom
We were clearly operating on a 5. I grabbed the kid up and made a dash for the nearest facility. We got there in time, but barely. Crisis passed, it was time to wrap up the paperwork. Unfortunately, in our hurry to make the money shot before the clock ran out, I had not had time to check the facilities for crisis readiness. There was no toilet paper.
I checked my pockets for a stray tissue, but I was wearing my sweatpants (don’t you dare judge me!) and had none. This particular store doesn’t offer paper towels, either, so we were left high and dry there. Or maybe not so dry.
I even considered asking the woman in the stall next to us if she could pass us a bit of tissue, but she was in worse shape than Squish. I heard her mumbling to herself anxiously, apparently talking herself through her own special event. I didn’t want
whatever germs she was carrying to disturb her. We were on our own.
Squish was bored with the whole do, so to speak, and he was ready to get back to perusing “Everybody Poops”, but I was a little stuck. I toyed with yanking his pants back up and forgetting the whole mess, but no. Just no. And he wasn’t wearing any socks. Finally, I looked at his train magazine, and the light bulb came on. If it was good enough for Grandpa, it was good enough for us.
I could have told him what I was going to do, but I didn’t for two reasons. First, the thought of tearing a page out of his new train magazine to do his paperwork might really upset him. The second reason, it might not upset him at all. In fact, it might amuse him so much that no magazine would ever be safe around him again. I could just see my husband’s entire collection of Runners World coming to a bad end.
I asked him if I could see his magazine for a second. He obliged. And then I betrayed him. I sang the ABC song, his very favorite, to cover the sound of tearing paper. He even joined in. I am a terrible parent. And it was terrible paper. But sometimes a job must be done, and it’s up to you and the little engine that could. And did.
Life may hand you bad cards, but sometimes you come up with a royal flush.
“I asked him if I could see his magazine for a second. He obliged. And then I betrayed him” Hahaha Oh his poor butt. Literally. I, for one, am really proud of you. That’s some pretty clever thinking on such short and stinky notice.
A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do. With shoo and poo. I was *this*close to stalking into the men’s room. Or finding 50 Shades on the shelf somewhere and using that!
EW….the next-door bathroom mumbler. Those people always creep me out. I hope she didn’t join in when you started singing the ABC song.
I seem to recall a little laughter and singing coming from next door, but I am pretending it didn’t happen.
And the moral of this story is – if you sell books you’d better top up the bog roll!
Especially during flu season!
That’s awful! And hilarious…at the same time :).
It was pretty awful.
Yeah, the mumbling neighbor is definitely the most disturbing part. Everything else I’d call resourcefulness at its finest!
The mumbling was definitely a little weird. And sad. I felt bad for her colon.
So funny! You just know how to make something quite ordinary sound like an Indiana Jones adventure ! Thanks for the ride !
Indiana Jones ain’t got nuthin’ on motherhood. Except for the whip. And the fedora. And the multi-million dollar contract. I need a better agent.
I LAUGHED SO HARD I CRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That poor woman in the stall next to you–I have to ask: did she join in the ABC song? 🙂
I believe she may have. Which I blocked out at the time, and now I am totally creeped out.
Hahaha, “royal flush”!!! I am so glad you are not a secret double agent. Or an overpaid archeologist. I enjoy your stories too much.
Thank you for making me feel better about a future incident where I too shall be stuck with no tissue paper and will feel lousy about myself for never planning ahead. Sometimes as a parent you just have to react. Kudos and thank you!
Parenting is like boxing. You have to be light on your feet. And sometimes you get punched in the nose.
Hee! I have been in the same room as the bathroom mumbler before. That’s terrifying.
Also, I’m sure she didn’t have a square to spare, so…
I have been there! Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get through the situation. 🙂
Desperate times, right?
Oh this was hilarious!! I loved every bit of it! Well, you know what I mean. Terrific story, wonderfully told… no matter how unfortunate. 😉 You sound like a GREAT parent to me!
Reblogged this on Woman In Thrisis and commented:
OK… I NEVER do this… This is new for me… to steal someone else’s material. But I thought this was such an entertaining story that I had to share it with my readers. Enjoy everybody 🙂
I had to do it! This was too good NOT to share 🙂
Thanks for the reblog. You just never know who might be helped. Kind of like a PSA for parents with stinky children.
There you go! haha 😀 No problem on the reblog. Thanks for providing something so funny (and potentially VERY insightful) for my readers today!
You are officially the MacGuyver of public restrooms.
See?! I keep trying to tell my Rockstar that the printed word is useful for many things….
This was so witty (& pretty & wise)
Hahahahaha!!! Royal flush, indeed! 😛
This quite literally made my day. I love bloggers who can make such fascinating whimsical stories out of everyday life. Reminds me of when I had to babysit a cousin and I for one don’t have the most basic knowledge of bringing a little boy to the bathroom. It was not even a 5 (thank the faeries) and I managed to have him pee all over the floor and his pants (‘:
You could have just used your hand. Or was there no soap? I mean I wouldn’t have, but YOU could have.
I am sorry heather, i tried to be good but reading this (after having raised FIVE children) I laughed until I was sick!! still laughing.. horrible../ c
I would have totally freaked out over this. Oh my gosh. Your idea was brilliant. Oh an idea just came to me, if you are a mother always carry a scarf with you!
Hilarious, girl! I tell you, moms are so great at thinking on their feet. And the singing loudly over the tearing of paper? You are devious but industrious!
Bingo…now I know of a use for all the mags I have stacked next to the toilet. TP is getting very expensive. Just keep being the mom that you are. It inspires all of us, even those of use that only have 4-legged kids.
What, no dandelions?