I’ve known for a long time that I needed to do it. Way back in this post here, I knew that the choice was between my health and my vice. After nearly a year, the deed is done. I finally gave up coffee.
It has been over two weeks now, and I’m still going strong. I went from six (okay, eight) cups of fully-caffeinated French Roast a day to zero. Contrary to what you may have heard about weaning off of caffeine, it hasn’t been a big deal. Allow me to bust these myths for you one by one.
Myth #1 – You will have trouble staying awake as your body adjusts.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I have fgkjklbntyu – oh! How embarrassing. I think my head just hit the keyboard. Sorry about that. As I was saying, I have had no issues staying awake. Little known fact, though. Sometimes when you give up coffee, your head will weigh more. Or seem to. And you may drool with more frequency.
Myth #2 – You will experience increased irritability.
Puh-lease. That’s just a scare tactic, a rumor spread about by the coffee industry to keep people hooked on their glorious, delicious, aromatic- what? oh, yeah. To keep you hooked on their poison. That’s what I was trying to say. Anyway, I have not seen an increase in irritability. I mean, there was that one time that I went after a Volvo with a golf club, but it was a totally isolated incident and had nothing to do with caffeine deprivation. That grandma totally had it coming when she took my parking place. And Volvos are surprisingly well-made. No harm done.
Myth #3 – You may lose some mental acuity.
Whatever. I’m just as sharp as I ever… wait. What was I talking about? Rabbits. I am pretty sure we were discussing rabbits. So cute!
Myth #4 – You will experience headaches.
This is a completely erroneous statement. I have experienced no caffeine headaches. Someone has driven an invisible railroad spike through my head, but the most logical culprit is Thomas the Tank Engine. He is the devil.
Myth #5 – Your precious coffee cup will miss you. You will wake in the night hearing him cry for you because his life has lost all meaning.
Actually, this one might actually be true. Earmuffs sometimes help. It’s also recommended that you don’t sleep with him under your pillow.
This is how I feel. I don’t know why Phoebe looks so sad. SHE didn’t give up her coffee.
Becoming Cliche 
A couple of years ago, I decided to start cutting my coffee with half de-caf. After about two weeks, I told my husband what I had done. His reply: “Thank God. I thought I was going through depression.”
Maybe that’s what’s wrong with my mood. Suddenly life didn’t seem quite worth living…
I think I need another cup of coffee…even though it is hotter than blazes this morning. 🙂
Have one for me!
I could never give up my coffee, and I certainly couldn’t write about doing it as hilariously as you just have! Fantasticly funny post, well done!!
Thank you. At least some good can come out of my tragedy, right? If I can’t drink my coffee, I can blog about it!
I haven’t given it up completely, but I have cut way back recently. I kind of hate it a lot.
I kind of hate it a lot, too. And I want it back. Like, now.
I gave up cokes, for the caloric intake that was evident in my hip area, and I did so good for a whole year, then one day, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and cracked one open. Ahhhh… delicious, and refreshing! Good luck to you, hope you make it, I had to settle for rationing myself.
I tried to cut back. I went from four cups down to three, and then up to eight. Gah!
Congratulations! It seems that everyone I know is addicted to coffee. Perhaps, it should be called the Starbucks Syndrome. I never acquired the taste, so I got addicted to Coke (the drink, ha). However, I haven’t had one in 1 1/2 years.
You have amazing self-control. Have you thought of running for public office?
Ha. I think you are the first person to say that I have self-control. Thanks
Wow, that’s not easy to do! I managed to cut my consumption to just one cup a day, right in the morning – and for the first few weeks I slept much easier and was less cranky. But as usual, life bust in and stressy things happened and I couldn’t sleep again, even on my one a day programme. Still, I like not feeling jittery all the time. I think I might even be marginally less bitchy than usual and that’s gotta be a good thing!
I do like not feeling jittery. At least that’s what I’m telling myself for now.
🙂 I wish you much success!
i miss coffee 😦 i had to stop drinking it though because caffeine gives my headaches 😦 i found it relatively easy to give up but the headaches helped with the motivation, my problem is rocky road i could stop eating if i wanted to , i just dont want to 🙂 ever 🙂 have a superfab day and stay away from rocky roads –because they all mine 🙂 xx
I’m in that boat, too. I could do it if I wanted to. But my motivation to do it is thinner than I am.
Oh, Phoebs, is it living with that mad, caffeine-free person that makes you sad? 😀
She’s afraid I’m going to take away her Starbucks card.
Well-done and welcome in my camp. I never got into the habit and I can truthfully say that I never missed it. I used to make myself swallow some coffee when I struggled with low blood pressure about 15 years ago but the bitterness always made me liken it to medicine. Imagine all the money I have saved over the years! Just think about that when the beckoning of your coffee cup become unbearable. Be strong!
I would never have had the habit at all if it hadn’t been for my husband. I blame him. Forever.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I will pray for you.
I’m pretty sure you’ll have to pry my coffee cup from my cold dead hands. Don’t judge me.
I would never judge you for that, my brother.
I love your wit, but I’m not giving up my 6-8 cups a day. 🙂
Have one (or four) for me!
Will do!
You are a woman of far more conviction and strength than I…
I’m not sure it’s conviction so much as not wanting to die an early death.
Noooooooooooooooooo, coffee is life!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is. It really is. I have none. Sad-face.
Instead of sleeping with your mug under your pillow, you should hug it like a Teddie bear.
Done and done!
Wow. Coffee is really my only remaining vice if you don’t count drugs, alcohol, gambling and the smuggling of illegal firearms.
You are down to the bare bones, there. Have you thought about cock-fighting and racketeering?
Ok, I don’t drink coffee, but I do drink a gallon of diet Coke a day.
My head hurts for you!
It’s nothing that a little head-banging can’t fix, really.
I had to quit because I was getting headaches at 3 a.m. But I was a weenie and weaned off it slowly so as to avoid the head-banging, nausea-inducing headaches. And I had to wait till after I retired because of your aforementioned head on the keyboard at work. I still have decaf. I think it’s the ritual of grinding it etc.
I love the smell of it. Love it. And my husband hasn’t been able to get the brew right since the amount he’s making has been cut in half, so I make most of the coffee here.
FUNNY! Thank you for sharing this post with the world.
Russ
Thanks for reading!
Long ago I went through a period of a few weeks where I was getting headaches every Monday. It turns out someone switched all the office coffee to decaf without telling anyone.
That’s grounds for dismissal in my book. See what I did there? Grounds?! HA! I slay me. I miss my coffee.
I think I gave up caffeinated coffee. I say I think I did because I mix the regular with decaf and I’m haphazard about the measuring. Anyway, I think I’m better off now. I haven’t spit at anyone or thrown anyone down the stairs at work for a long time.
Hilarious writing! You will survive!
Sometimes they’ll even promote us when we quit the spitting. Sometimes.
I just read on Huffington Post that coffee is good for you. I think they are right, but probably not eight cups.
My daughter was telling me at the dinner table that coffee makes people live longer. *sigh*
Well. So nice that you haven’t experienced any side effects…..so to speak. Ha ha. Great post. More power to you, I don’t think I could do it….
I’ve been lucky so far. None of those pesky side-effects.
So well done, giving it up and writing about it. I am impressed but don’t understand why are you giving it up? What did coffee ever do to you?
As long as you don’t replace your coffee with coke!!! It has more caffeine in it than coffee. I have one bowl of coffee in the morning then switch to tea. Tea always SOUNDS less poisonous, but apparently is just as bad.. ah well. In italy a woman told me that her doctor prescribed a cup of coffee in the morning for her low blood pressure.. hmm.. c
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Thanks for the reblog.
Phoebe is so dang cute! Is coffee bad for you? Is it bad for me? God, I hope not.
BC: Seriously, Babe? Coffee, wine, and books make life worth living! DISCLAIMER: I only drink 1 – 2 cups a day so I don’t know if I should talk since I’ve never had 8 cups of coffee in one day in my life. But when I drink it is joy personified. My first cup in the a.m. must be absolutely perfect. I have searched the world for the perfect coffee maker and frequently keep my intel updated from Cuisinard. The last cup of the day must be French pressed and I’ll only drink either cup with half-and-half. Both must be piping hot. Also, serve me coffee with milk or powdered crap and we will have some issues. (Ha, do you still believe I was born in the ghetto without a pot to “you know what in” or a window to throw it out of?) 🙂
Seriously, that’s excellent that you’ve kicked the habit. Just delete my tempting comment. You go girl! 🙂
Well done you! Over the last few years I have given up a couple big vices, cigs and alchole, but giving up my cuppa is a tough one! I do in the evening drink decaf tea, but it just doesn’t taste the same! X
I suspect that only the black-coffee people have trouble quitting. The rest of the coffee drinking world is just addicted to cream and sugar.
I gave up cream over a year ago with no problem. Sugar hasn’t been a big deal I don’t think. Maybe that’s why I’m sitting here eating straight out of the sugar bowl.
I drink two cups a day and have been thinking of scaling back to two cups a week. I’m worried. And I’m assuming you’re in the hospital by now.
My husband has considered having me committed, but I’m not sure it’s over the coffee. Not entirely.
The words “give up coffee” strike terror and fear into my heart. I tried once, but was never so sick in my life. The railroad spike in the head became even worse with dry heaves. I vowed never to give up coffee again. I have cut down, though. But I can’t bear the thought of giving it up. I love everything about it: the taste, the smell, the warmth.
Congratulations on doing what is, to me, the impossible!
I love it, too. So much. The cruel irony this morning was having a coffee pot foul-up that required me to make a full pot instead of the three cups my husband drinks. It is sitting on the counter. Mocking me.
Ahahah! This made me giggle quite a bit 🙂 Eight cups a day??! Seriously??!!!?
Eight cups that I’m willing to admit to. My mother used to drink 12 cups a day. At work. Then she came home to make more.
That’s seriously crazy! I’ve never known anyone like that ahah
I love coffee, it just won’t love me back. I think we’re in an abusive relationship
You describe my relationship with coffee in that one little sentence.
Hate to say it but there’s an article in the International Herald Tribune linking caffeine with longevity… !
My daughter quoted me a similar article. *sigh*
I wouldn’t dare stop drinking coffee! People could get hurt!
Ho ho ho – saw this cartoon and thought of you: http://www.savagechickens.com/2012/07/coffee-substitutes.html 😀