And You Can Take It To The Bank

I try to avoid the news whenever possible. We don’t have cable television, so that is usually not an issue. But I do listen to the radio, and recently there has been an air of gloom and economic doom. It’s enough to make us all want to stockpile canned goods and hide our money under our mattresses. Or at least turn off the radio. But there is hope on the horizon. In these harrowing economic times, it’s very important to get sound advice regarding your investments. And that’s where I come in.

I have a fantastic financial adviser, and she also happens to be my best friend. Not only can she pick my stocks, she also keeps my feet warm. That’s right, I’m talking about my dog, Phoebe.

She’s a genius, this dog. When we’re looking to purchase single stocks, she lets us know if we’re on the right track. All we have to do is read the name aloud to her, and we can tell by a tail wag if it’s a keeper. Our portfolio tends to be a bit heavy on companies with the word “cookie” in them, and we’re a little light on anything with “vet” or “crate” (sorry, Crate and Barrel), but she knows what she likes. And I’m here to share her thoughts with you free of charge.

When choosing where to put your money, forget gold. It’s a lousy investment. In a true crisis, gold is pretty much worthless. Do you think post-apocalyptic society will be all that concerned with their bling? Um, no. Gold might regain its value a generation or two later, when we’ve re-established a feudal system and the princesses want to feel pretty again. But for your immediate needs when the big one hits, Phoebe recommends investing in Alpo. In the can. You might be crawling out of a pit with the cockroaches, but you’ll want to know your best pal is taken care of, and in a pinch it makes a decent meatloaf.

Phoebe also says that economists are taking the wrong approach to the stock market and its current volatility. All we hear is that the market is “bad.” Take it from Phoebe. Those analysts are hurting the market’s feelings. If I tell Phoebe she is bad, where does that fuzzy little economic indicator known as her tail go? DOWN. And when I say “Good dog!” where do you think that tail goes? If we ever want the market to fetch our slippers again, we need to tell the market that it’s good. Very, very good. And the occasional belly-rub isn’t a bad idea, either.

And finally, there is this whole issue of debt. Phoebe says debt is bad. Debt means that that bone we’re chewing on doesn’t really belong to us at all, and someone could just come up and take it. The very notion makes my financial adviser growl and bury said bone in the yard. It is important to only buy those chew toys you can actually pay for, lest some slobbery St Bernard come and swipe it. Let what is yours stay yours. Stay. Stay. Good.

That’s it in a nutshell. Sage advice from one of the finest minds of our time. Now, who wants a cookie?